on the credit side i've managed to stay out of the hospitals this week. on the debit side, however, my car broke down and it needs about a grand to recover. apparantly the thermostat has refused to let the water flow and the head gasket has suicide bombed itself in opposition against the pressure. i met my thermostat yesterday, he was just a regular short guy in his sixties, a bit stiff, but he was ok, i didn't get mad at him or anything.

school is about to finish, two quarters to go. everybody's talking about resumes and job interviews. i'm thinking what's the next milestone i could pick for postponing my decisions. i mean heck i still don't know what i wanna be when i grow up. maybe i could get another masters, maybe i should go for a phd this time, afterall it will buy me a good four years or so.

there are two types of people in this world, those who take charge and those who don't. the former graduates, works, copulates, reproduces, grows and raises, the latter stays in school, forever, conveniently busy and comfortably numb.

fuck.

infuckingsomniac, i have become.

i get an hour of sleep when i go to bed, and another hour or so after sunrise. i have a constant headache and advils are not working either. i count the sheep, literally. then i'm like fuck the sheep, just count. then i think about good times, bad times, money, women, life, hell, then i think it's too hot, then it's cold, then i start the rolling frenzy, then the cuts on my belly hurt, then i tuck in two pillows and elevate my knees, then i get up and pee, then i drink water, then i check the time, and the pain lingers on...

Endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography is both a test and a way to treat some conditions. In english it's a rather thick tube going down your mouth through your stomach and into the small intestine through which the doctors pass a tongue, a camera and other miscellaneous fluids into the area of interest. I was sedated three times, said the doctor, because i kept moving and resisting the tube after the first two injections. the only thing i remember is people shouting "nah, don't!", in native perrsian accent of course, this is orange county after all. my ducts are now stone-free, and the pain is much more manageable - which is not necessarily good, since i don't get to have my periodic trips to the other side anymore. the following is a very personal note to a piece of me, about to be dismissed :

my deareast gallbladder; thanks for being there for my extra bile through all these years, trough the new york steaks, the bbq ribs and even the dizis we recently enjoyed back in motherland. relationships, my friend, often come to an end, and such is the one between you and the rest of me. we shall depart today and never meet again; so gall, if you wanna leave, take good care, hope you have a lot of nice clothes to wear, a lot of nice things turn bad out there... Oooh baby baby it's a wild world, i'll always remember you, like a child girl ;)

now here's some good news for those who ignore their gallstones the first time they start hurting : if you're lucky (like me) your gallstones will manage to move down the cystic duct and almost clog your common bile duct. this will of course cause severe back and abdominal pain, nausea and headaches. the pain escalates after any kind of non-liquid food, sometimes leading to momentary lapse of the senses.

when you helplessly run out of your supply of vicodins from that last time and admit yourself to the er of your local hospital and they call your name 'shortly' within the next three hours, they will take an ultra-sound, get some blood samples and urine tests, in which they not only find blood cells but also symptoms of mild infections. they inform you that you're not leaving the hospital anytime soon and that the surgeon will see you tomorrow for a potential surgery.

now here's the best part : when they see you sweating in pain and struggling to breathe, one wise pharmacist walks in with the most teeny tiny needle in her hands, and she pokes it into your hand through the iv. within less than a minute you feel relieved, then your muscles all relax, your whole body floating. you can't help smiling. you close your eyes and enjoy the blissful calmness, you open your eyes and see faces coming and going, every one smiling.

i had an all liquid lunch with a chocolcate pudding as a dessert, i could feel the pain as i was swallowing the last few spoonfulls of pudding, and it started : the excruciating pain and the sweats, rolling on the bed i pushed the nurse button, and asked for my pain killer. within a minute another smiling lady walked in with the magic needle in her hands, and voila. i am in heaven once again.

When I was almost 22 years old I turned down and oppurtunity to work in a tiny unknown Silicon valley start up... i mean come on why work in a company with less than 100 employees,who were mostly Chinese ....
I mean who the hell has heard of Gforce?? It was just another Valley Start up. I mean come on doesnt NVIDIA sound funny?
Anyways last night my brother stayed out with his friends until 5 am, his extremely cheap Indian buddy who works in Youtube.com was buying them drinks..
Like Sister like Bother ; My bro turned down the offer to work in a silly start up...

Now somebody please top my ANTI-ACHIEVING family...

sharing is good.

the problem is the convenience. it's extremely convenient to be depressed, reactive and dysfunctional. it's convenient to be miserable. it's convenient not to care, not to worry. to be or not to be?! it's always convenient not to be, regardless.

it's convenient to justify, to rationlize, to disclaim. my favorite is when i come across people with no or very few opportunities compared to those of mine and it takes me less than a second to generate seven reasons why they're better off than i am, and why their lives are much easier and how clueless they are. it's not that i'm selfish, it's not that i'm blind, it's just sheer convenience.

laziness is fatal, and extremely convenient. what's the purpose of life, universe and everything else? it's all been created for my convenience, and nothing else. amen.

The guy sitting next to me pointed to the sky :" It will be raining soon." He said
" rally?" I replied
-Oh yeah, you didn't notice the thunder?
-No
I didn't bother to tell him that the only thing that I am seeing is a very clear sky, and really it's too early for rain

He then asked me if I go to Cal ( as in UC Berkeley), pointing to my backpack..
And I just said
- Oh, No
And then an awkward silence followed...
The poor guy waited for me to say something, but I really didn't know what to say..
I could've asked him if he goes to Cal? But honestly I didn't care
I could've asked him if he was going to Fremont? But that was where the BART was headed anyways...
It's been a long time since I have given up on small conversion with strangers because I don't really like them...

But then I felt bad, the poor guy felt awkward... I wanted to tell him that really " I have manners.." My mom even has thought me how to treat my Landlady's kitten: With Respect!!!
I wanted to tell the guy I was not trying to ignore him, even though he was bald and was wearing ragged clothes.. I even thought of asking him if he was Iranian? But then he wasn't and I knew the answer...
The only thing that I wanted to talk about was my friends
:" Dude they are strange, all of them.. I just noticed it the other night in my birthday Party. G made a pass at R right in front of her husband and when I objected he said she will be happier with him ,and Believe me "R," is very happily married. L who is single started giving marriage advice to "B," who is married and they don't even know each other...
And then there is N who has found god, and is really nice to me in order to redeem herself for being a jerk in highschool.She even prays that I find god too , and that is flat out scary because I possibly cant be nice to the people I have been a jerk to, there are simply too many of them..
And then "M," who only watches Indian Movies, and keeps asking me why I dont marry "A"? "Really he is a cool chap, what's wrong with him?" If you know her you would know it's really hard to explain to her that I can not marry a guy who has never asked me out!!! and "S," who leaves the party to go to the corner liquor store and buys even more vodka and drinks it right in the store, and then comes back to party and sleeps on the floor... My mother says if you are drawn to freaks, you are most likely a freak yourself."
I wanted to ask the guy if he thinks I am a freak? and if there is a slight chance of me becoming Normal...

He left at "Union City," without even saying goodbye.

I think this could've been the beginning of a beautiful friendship...
But he didn't hang around enough to get to know me better..
he just left, i Guess because he had to go home..
Small talks have never been my favoriate, they are not meaningless enough!!!

i arrived at 11:30pm and entered while he was shaking a cosmo for this other girl in the corner. he topped off her glass and i got the rest of it. i talked to a number of people, mostly girls, just chit chat, then we all went upstairs to puff the magic dragon on the roof. uptown tehran is kinda chilly around midnight in late september. i offered my jacket to n. and my ego gained a size or two, plus i was kinda buzzed so i didn't care. for the same reason i did talk aloud a lot, my regular spiel, level two : lame jokes and ultra-cheesy smartass comments.

it was past 2am and most of the people had left. six of us were sipping and munching on the leftovers around the table, listening to some 80s tunes, maybe some cure, some dylan, some 70s too. that's when we first talked. he said a. should go back, and he said i should stay there. he said i'm probably a sucker for the 80s, and that i'd fit there since i'm a tramp like any other one. so there, it took a total stranger two hours and a half to get to know me inside out, and we didn't even need to talk.

today i picked up a cd at starbucks, only because it says circa 80 on the cover. it's ok to like eighties. it's ok to be cheesy. it's ok to pretend you're not. it's ok to be a tramp there, it's ok to be a tramp here. it's ok to be transparent. it's all ok. today is not a great day, but it's ok. anything is ok, even nothing. it's also particularly ok if i die today, or any other day for that matter. it's really ok.

it's really just like anything else in life. it's extremely easy to prove either decision 'right', and extremely difficult to cross either out as 'wrong'. everything is good, it's great to get rich, it's great not to. it's wonderful to live with your family, it's awesome to live on your own. it's best when you get high and drunk every weeknight, it's really pleasant to stay in and relax with some wine and good music. it's really great to be here, it's wonderful to be back there.

i think the reason is that there's no point, period. there's no point to anything, to moving back, to staying here, to life. it will pass eitherway. life is joyous in the moment, and totally sucks beyond that. everyone's great in the moment, and everyone's fucked up beyond that. this moment is the only glimpse of happiness we get, and it's pure misery beyond that.

I ended up being the successful and happy one amongst my friend, just for the fact that for years I sat down and did absolutely nothing with my life...
I didn't bet my life on anything only to miserably fail...
I didn't achieve something only to find out this was not what I wanted....
I didn't have a lovely wedding, just to find myself bored out of my mind in my marriage...
I didn't go to the Best damn school on the face of planet earth only to find out, that dude it's really hard to graduate from a good school; everybody is a nerd here...

I just slacked off through life...
I achieved a lot through achieving nothing!!!!!

me no drama. drama is for the weak, right? the post-trip me is lighter, rather afloat.

i unpacked last night. there was a slight chance i'd go back for the weekend but now it doesn't seem likely. so i dug out all the pistachio bags and the yazdi candies in search of some clean underwear. apparently my mom thinks 'under'wear always goes under the rest of the stuff, be it clothes be it dried nuts. i found the complete selection of shahram nazeri, 3000 tomans in mp3 format, wrapped inside my guess jeans - which by the way doesn't look cool anymore, since my mom allegedly 'fixed its scratches' and successfully turned in into just another pair of jeans - i turned on the stereo and popped out the cd. it was thom yorke's eraser, i didn't bother find the cover, just left it on the shelf, turned up the volume and shared 'dar neyestan' with all my neighbors. one should share the joy, always.

i poured some wine and craved something to smoke. s is not here, neither is h, neither is anyone else. so i can't just ask for it. i'm a better man now, for i have made a decision : i am moving east. it's about time pet shop boys apologized for their go west campaign. life only happens in east. the question now is how far east? as usual, time will tell.

homelessness is a state of mind. home smells like safety, like security, like tarragon in my mother's tea. home feels like fur. home sounds like a bee, you can only here its hum when everything else is quite and everybody else is asleep. home is nice, for those who live in it.

my apartment doesn't feel secure, it smells like lime-flavored detergents and it sounds like a distant detuned radio, and I live in it.

homelessness is just another excuse not to take charge. that's all it is.

My four year old cousin's birthday is next week. He has invited five of his friends over; and even tore up the invitation that his mom wanted to give one of her friend's son because :" He is not my friend,and I only want MY Friends in my birthday party."
He asked his mom to make him two cakes, with two different designs. One of them with M&Ms on top the other one chocalte covered!!!

When I was four years old, one day I woke up and my mom told me I have to take a bath and wear nice dresses. Because today is my birthday and we have guests coming over...
All I could think of while changing my dress was " I am gonna have a lot of choclate cake today!!!"

I tell ya guys I was born a nonachiever!!