today a blind man with one of those huge canes smiled at me, i didnt really notice it until he was gone.. and then it was too late to smile back
i really felt bad, i think i have broken a nice blind man's heart..

these days when I am encountered with good customer service... i feel bad..
i mean for the good customer rep...
when they tell me they dont want to loose my business, and i am important to them..
i mean who can respect a Corporate W....E ( Rhymes with more)

he cracks his knees when he wakes up, but only after he cracks his neck. he cracks his fingers eventually when he's bored typing, much less frequently than he cracks his neck. he cracks his back by turning his upper body sideways, especially when he's about to fall asleep in the afternoons, after which he immediately cracks his neck.

he had a very rough night the other night, he didn't sleep at all, but every 10 minutes or so he cracked his neck.

he enjoyed sushi and his company last night, he liked the movie too, after which of course he cracked his neck.

life's full of shit, and he doesn't care; all he cares about is to crack his neck.

i watched 4 hours of reality tv, 1 hour of sex and the city, and half hour of discovery channel yesterday

the rest of the day was spent in front of the computer surfing meaningless sites

i occassionally stretched too

and ate

such is life

i think i finally know what my dream job is : in my dream world i'm 80 years old and all i do from morning till night is write about the most pathetic, stupid and childish feelings i've expereinced through out the years. isn't misery the most lively and cheerful feeling of all? i think some people take pills for this.

after she rejected his third proposal through out the years he moved to the old town and lived in a small shack with a huge orange tree in its front yard. he spent the rest of his life pruning the branches right before the oranges would ripen, peeling off their thick green skin and making world's most bitter orange peel jam with which he would break his fast every single morning.

this was all in his head of course, in reality he moved on, after a couple of years working for a mid-size corporation made some money, got married in the city, had kids in the suburbs and led an extremely ordinary life till the day he died.

1.keeping up with the rest of nonachievers... i have done nothing useful for the past month..
and today i was able to bring down my IQ close to my age, by watching "The Tyra Banks show's special on booty..." oh and I watched Oprah too...

2. who knew the person who came up with the concept of looping was my dad...
on the way from airport he was very much himself, repeating and repeating and repeating the same story over and over... I looked hard but he was an early design didnt come with Playback ON-OFF button,..

3. I have decided that whenever I want to have children, i just adopt a kid over 5 years old.. a)I dont have to change diapers and b)also i will know what my kid actually looks like..

4.Last year this time i looked back at my life and i thought " i was really naive last year this time," the other day i was looking back at my life and thought " wow i was really naive last year.."
on behalf of all the years to come
i am generally naive..
we all are..

he's content, no really, he is. he'd like to cut all ties with past, all of them. he cuts one for each day and he counts his days, one for each time he recalls her name, and he repeats her name, one for each time she doesn't reply. he cuts his ties with his past one by one, one for each time he recalls she's gone for good.

the most delightful conversation that i have had in a while...

Me : So how old are you?

Jasmine : ( showing three fingers) but next year I will be ( shows four fingers)

Jasmin's mom : did you tell her when was your birthday

Jasmine : May seeneethit

Jasmin's mom : May 17th

Me : So what did you do for your birthday

Jasmine : ( after doing a little bit of thinking) hmmm i blew the candles!!

Me : What did you wish for?

Jasmine : Cookies...


P.S: this is not the picture of jasmine

sam walton was a good man. he hated the millionaires his machine created, and he never identified with them. he's been a man of principles and discipline. "are corporations really bad?" thought the young luke to himself, as he was stepping out of his business strategy class. he was so inevitably tempted by the dark side, and not even leia could rescue him...

you should watch scenes from a marraige, all three discs at once. soothing, soothing. you should drink some shiraz, while listening to some sosa. you should clean the wine stain on the carpet like there's no tomorrow. you see if the stain's removed, it's all gonna be good. if the stain's removed, things will be ok. if the stain's removed, i'll be happy. if the stain's removed everything will be in its right place. if the stain's removed it will be a better world. trust me, it's all about that stain. sponge. blot. squeeze. blot. rinse. sponge again.

it's all about the stain, just this one stain. god damn it...

relationship is like a dark room with two photos hanging on its walls. one's mine when I met you, and the other's yours when you met me, and that's all we see from each other. i grow up for the people outside, just like you do for them too. the longer we stay in it together, the older we grow, the more we change, the less we'll identify with the pictures on the walls, and yet they remain to be all we see when we look at each other.

why?

"I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody."

"Everything everybody does is so—I don't know—not wrong, or even mean, or even stupid necessarily. But just so tiny and meaningless and—sad-making. And the worst part is, if you go bohemian or something crazy like that, you're conforming just as much as everybody else, only in a different way."


"I'm just sick of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else's. I'm sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting. It's disgusting."

"I'm not afraid to compete. It's just the opposite. Don't you see that? I'm afraid I will compete- that's what scares me. That's why I quit the Theater Department. Just because I'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I'm sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash."



JD Salinger, Franny and Zooey

i didn't work today. well maybe two hours total. i spent the rest of the day daydreaming about a trip. things i could do, places i'd go and people i'd meet. i got bored of waiting for the freakin paper to come through, "it will", the little voices told me, so i bought it.

september 4th, 2006, 5pm PST, exactly 5 years, nine months and six days after i stepped out of lax and into this illusion of my dreams come true. i'm leaving, on a jet plane...

so many hours of listening to so many i picked up coming back from home, so many times dropping those about to leave for home, and so many times staring at their backs before their last turn into the gates area, wishing for a miraculous rift in time and space through which we could switch sides. so many nights i woke up wondering why i'm not in my room, and finally i'll put an end to the longing.

some say you'll get fed up on the 3rd day, some think i'll have a hard time coming back, some promise me it will be my last trip. some even dare say i'll get married. i think they are all wrong. i think it will be just like here, an illusion of my dreams, some intact, some faded away. i really think it's all the same all over the place. one thing i'm sure of though, i'll spend as much time with them as possible, just the two of them, just like the old times. that i can't go wrong with.

oh and except you all, haven't told anyone yet. home, i'm coming.

Well I suppose they call it
"COST of attnedance,"

Tuition / Fees 29,328
Books / Supplies / Laptop 3,622
Room / Board 15,346
Personal 2,192
Transportation 2,074
Prof. Development Conference 600
Total $53,162

And I quit my job a 401K, a stock purchasing plan in a fortune 500 for this?
And it will be four years...
My head still hurts

I have to pay all the loans one day...

My head seriously hurts...
I will be 32 when i get out...
I can barely breath...

people are either nuts or boring. all three of us decided to go nuts, only one truly succeeded.

did you know that there are actually people out there who don't know what an integral is? i just met a few of them, they have two eyes and one mouth, they even walk like the rest of us... gosh, who would have guessed...

did you know that life is a struggle between boredom and pain? no really, did you? well from now on you can be thankful when you're bored, you're by far considered lucky.

did you know that a creamry and an ice cream place are NOT necessarily the same?! i mean come on, i thought i mastered the most complicated science when i took a brewery tour in portland and finally figuered out the difference between ale and beer; and only now i'm learning about frozen yogurt and ice cream and their deviations... geez, why? why?

did you know that even that cute little cozy left-wing liberal coffee shop in pasadena is closed on the fourth of july?! for f**ks sake where the hell am i supposed to exert all my intellectual bs into a meaningless conversation over a double espresso now??!

did you know that some people - including me - are deeply irritated by bad punctuation?! especially overt use of exclamation marks?!!!!!!!!!!

did you know that i've literally run out of anything worthy of saying? well now you do..!?!...

some people can't even go nuts. they can only fake it. i'm fake, right now, right here.

" The wedding is at August 5th, down in L.A, you should come. You should DEFINITELY come, A & A will be there too... omigod it will be just like the old time. Like when were kids.."She told me the other day
And I replied back :" I know, I will try to come. Definitely..."
or something like that...
It has been a long time since I have met anybody who has known me from my previous life, all that I tried to erase and forget when I moved here
not that i hated it, no it is just when I move, i move...
i dont look back, there is no point in that...
maybe because i kinda recreated myself here
here i am myself...
back there i was just member of a family, i was too young, too dorky, too anti-social, too much of a book worm, too much of....

It's just that when you move, you move. You better dont leave any pieces behind, cause it's too hard to go back and collect them and try to put them back together...

I loved it back then, there was me and my best friend crazy walks all over the city, the long stops at the bookstore.. the long talks..
and then my grandparents...
My sister's crazy Ex boyfriend who used to call us day and night for years and threaten to commit suicide if she doesn't marry him, even after she married another guy...
The hikes in the weekend, the food, the mountains...
My dad
Yeah there were a lot of things back there, that i liked
but then one day i woke up and went to the airport and never looked back...
i came to a new country, became a new person, changed my major, found new friends, suffered from depression for a while, changed my wardrobe, grew my hair long, dated here and there, traveled alone, fall in love left without a goodbye and never forgave myself, quit my job , went back to school..
For the first time met my dad's family and got to know why my dad never forgave his father yet had a lot of respect for him...
And all the while I was a girl with no history, a girl who came from a far away land long time ago. The girl who didn't talk about the past much, or thought about it..

And out of the blue, my past calls me. This childhood friend, and wants to reenact it. Why? I think that's the way some people are, they dont believe in metamorphosis
They dont know how to move on...
They do everything to shape the flow of life...
Some people call them stupid
I say as long as they are happy who cares...

All I know is that going to that wedding down in L.A will confuse me..
the past me and the present me...
I just know that i brought everything that meant something to me with me...
But knowing myself, I will most likely go . And desperately try to enjoy the company of some childhood friends, that i was never really that friends with anyways..
THeir dad went to college with my dad, that was it...
And will exchange information about the names that i can barely put faces on...
I will feel bad for the girls who married without love,and the boys who became their fathers without ever wanting it...
And I would then remember why i left...
To escape my faith...

if only i could find the inspiration to write... to write something good that is... it's just that i don't know what my life is about these days... it's about many things i suppose... but nothing to wirte something good about...