i woke up at 4am on friday morning and went to bed at midnight last night. while old friends and interesting strangers were met and conversed with in between, a series of unfortunate events brought me in contact with 911 three times, twice into the ER and once into a knee high flooded bathroom. the following is a few actions i've learned not to pursue in the future :

- in case it's 4am and you're dead tired, and your best friend is lying in front of you on the ER bed bleeding nonstop, and if her finger's wired to a very interesting looking piece of electronic equipment with lots of small screens and colorful buttons on it, DO NOT push the red button that says 'push to activate'. i repeat, DO NOT listen to the red button, the displays will go bizerk and a most disturbing beep will begin indefinitely annoying the hell out of your pale and frustrated friend. in the event that you did, run for the nurse, make up some bullshit story like she flipped and pulled the wire and ask her to rush back in and shut the damn thing off.

- in case your friend asks you to go rest in the waiting room and there are two hispanic families sitting apart, and just in case there are a good number of cops sitting and standing around the area, DO NOT stare at the blood stains on shirts, hands, feet and the clothes of the people around you. also, refrain from sitting next to the one with the most number of stains on his shoes, specially if you're bald, wear a two-day old beard, a ragged t and cargo shorts. the other guy will start whispering something to the biggest and darkest of the cops who'll approach you with his eyes locked into yours, ask you for id and inquire if and how you know the guy next to you and his brother who just stabbed the other guys' buddy in that club in fremont. of course, it won't help that you stutter either.

- in case you've spent last night in the ER, have had a presentation at 1pm and have spent the whole day walking and talking to random strangers and have just had a red bull vodka after dinner and can hardly keep your eyes open, and if someone faints and you dial 911 and follow his instructions and bring the paramedics in, do NOT say yes when they ask if you're accompanying the patient to the ER. i repeat, it's ok to say no when her husband and another friend are already going with her. in the event that you can't say NO to anyone for the life of yours, take your own car, that way you might be able to get out when the nurse smiles her guts out that she's totally fine and she'll be released as early as two hours from now.

- in case you're just about packed and ready to leave your friend's apartment and suddenly notice that you've forgotten to put the mattress back into the wardrobe, and if the mattress refuses to fit into that top partition, DO NOT squeeze the mattress in. you will break the sprinkler that noone knew existed on the ceiling of the wardrobe which will connect you directly to an angry ocean of water which can't wait to flood the apartment.

- in case you're soaking in your wet jeans while desperately pushing your numb thumb into the non-visible sprinkler on the ceiling of the wardrobe and if the firefighter guy in cool sunglasses is standing at the corner chatting on his walkie-talkie DO NOT ask for his help. He'll take a wrench, pretend he's showing you how to shut the valve by performing the action on another sprinkler, and finally break the other one too. you'll go blind under the pressure of water and have to move the stool such that you could attempt to shut both sprinklers by putting both thumbs into the holes on the ceiling. your arms will nearly fall, and you'll scream helplessly, watching the water ruining your friend's carpet, furniture, bathroom...

- in case you're standing in the middle of a flooded apartment and decide you should start draining from the bathroom, DO NOT use the fancy porcelain black trash bin. you will not only break the but also cut your hand too.

- in case you're driving down the i5 on a sunday afternoon and if you crave a lo-carb monster like there's no tomorrow, and if you stop by casa de fruta in the middle of nowhere to buy your dose of taurine, DO NOT take a shitty coca-cola rip off of an energy drink if the gas station does not carry monsters. it will taste like shit, make you nauseous and screw your stomach for a good few hours. of course the bumper to bumper traffic near la doesn't help either.

- in case you're wondering if i've made any of these up, stop. i did not, i think.