much ado about nothing

2007-01-06T09:39:00.000-08:00

well... it seems that the life of this blog has come to an end... i'm glad it inspired some of u and uninspired some others... glad we didn't accomplish anything by running a blog for one year other than a medium for our own psychiatry... glad other blogs spawned off of this... i guess at the end we just wanna do our own thing and that's the right way... or maybe it's the wrong way and that's why we're here... but then who cares? if we think about it too much we just may accomplish something god forbid.

until later...

2006-12-25T15:34:00.000-08:00

and one year goes by... god forbid, we didn't accomplish anything here, did we?!

2006-12-13T07:13:00.000-08:00

i am milk.

2006-12-05T12:35:00.000-08:00

what's the adjective that describes absolutely nothing? anyone? anyone?

while you're thinking, for those who wonder how much it would cost to have an organ removed from their belly and go back for blood transfusion the following week the total racks up to approximately $52k, compared to which the thousand dollar copay looks incredibly negligible. it's comparable to a decent bmw, an MBA in an average b-school, or the GDP of guatemala in early 1900s probably. so next time you wanted to have an extra organ removed, make sure you consider all of your alternative bangs for the same buck.

my moods are killing me. i'm constantly questioning my status on the happiness spectrum, i have been pretending to be someone else and somewhere else for so long i have literally lost any sense of my own reality. i keep catching myself pretending to be happy by singing to myself under the shower, or pretending to be sad by choosing to eat alone supposedly to study but actually just to sit at one big table all by myself and look aloof and preoccupied, sipping on my water-no-ice, poking my slice of lemon with my transparent thick straw. i wish i could smoke too, or at least owned a really old ragged blazer jacket and wore somewhat grey facial hair... i'm pathetic.

i'm practically lying to everyone who asks me how i am. i lie about my problems, or lack thereof for that matter. i highlight the most insignificant ones and never ever mention what bothers me the most. i mean it's never cool to miss your family, it's not cool to mourn over a relationship a year or so later, it's not cool to have pretty much the problems of every average joe, but it's cool to sound confused and depressed for no apparant reason, it's cool not to give a fuck, it's cool to bitch about everything that many wish they could have...

but then i'm not happy, i'd be lying if i said i am, i'm not sad either, i lack any single good reason to be so. until someone suggests the appropriate adjective in question, i just am, period.

2006-12-03T10:52:00.000-08:00

I am a non-achiever who goes to the school that is ranked 7th in California amongst the 7 schools of its kinds...
I sleep on a twin bed at nights..
the other night my classmates car was stolen, and in the morning i found my car's trunk open and all the doors open and couldn't turn it on.. but that was about it.. the thief didn't even bother to like take the coffee maker and the yoga mat in my car. I mean even the thieves that come after my things are non-achievers..
everyday i have to listen to my roommate whining about the Indian boyfriend who went back home and called her to tell her he is marrying a virgin ...
My best friend is totally into scented candles and had bought me like a ton of them so everytime she comes over i have to lit them for her.. and i am allergic to anything that smells.. i know i can tell her the truth.. but then if i start opening up to her, she will do the same thing and honestly i don't really feel like hearing about how she got her heart broken and stuff.. i will take the smell over that anytime...
And me and my friends spend good part of the day after thanksgiving in the Hyatt's Bathroom in SF it was nice it had orchids, we sat there and watched people and took pictures..

i have to study for finals.. but i am blogging...
I think that Beatle's song " Nowhere Man, " was penned based on my life...
and believe me i am not wrong..

2006-12-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

he took her photo off the wall last night.

she didn't take her night gown when she left. neither did she ever call for her shiny black purse, nor the dusty sandals she was wearing in joshua. the carpet is still in his closet, the one he was supposed to sell, he did get a few disappointing estimates, but left it at that.

he doesn't know what she took with her, i mean he could count a few things like the illustrated novel or the little prince or even his bathing suit, but he doesn't know what she took away that changed everything. all he knows is that he never ever felt secure after she left.

it kinda makes sense though: she once said she's never ever felt secure during their eight years of relationship, and he was always the most confident guy around her. she must have found the source of his self-esteem, maybe in his bedroom somewhere, one of those sunday afternoons when she'd just kill some time surfing the web while he would read or watch a stupid movie in the living room, and then this one day after one of their neverending fights she must have just taken it away.

long term relationships have long lasting effects. he's now adamant on his belief that there's no such thing as a happy ending to anything, she's probably the most confident girl ever for the time being, seeking the next guy who'd steal her security away, over and over and over again.

2006-11-26T15:32:00.000-08:00

My overachiever Uncle once asked my Grandma to pray for him...
She told him being an overachiever she knew that he will get what he wants ,so she will ask god not to give him the things that he works extremely hard for but will not make him happy in life...
The biggest problem of Overachievers in the world is that most of them dont have smart Mothers...

2006-11-22T09:31:00.000-08:00

photography is a sick hobby. it's the manifest of one's obsession with whatever is past, a weakest attempt at preserving the moment, a pathetic protest against time. we need anticameras. we need an optometric and psychpedic device with which you could shoot the moments and they go pitchblack and diffuse off the memories of every single person involved in them, including and specifically the sick anticameraman himself.

2006-11-21T22:36:00.000-08:00

I am sitting in my room on my bed finally in my own apartment blogging and feeling really happy and content, knowing that this feeling will last...
How do I know this? how do I know that the other shoe wont drop?
For one thing I have a twin bed; Owning of which has single handedly caused a commotion amongst my loved ones. My friends keep asking me if I am sure, my roommate is showing me her queen bed and telling me it's more appropriate for our age.. even my father has called me and told me I should've taken my full bed, and believe it or not my brother who takes pride in not helping people in need has offered to bring me the full bed.. Everybody is scared, twin bed to them means that I am refusing to grow up and move on with my life.. they are afraid that I end up an old maid minus a cat..
And the other reason that I know my happiness will last is that there are two registered sex offenders who live in our Apartment complex, and apparently one of them harassed two girls in the laundry room and my place is across the laundry room...
Yet I feel good and I am pretty happy...
Things cant go wrong, because they are already very wrong!!!
Shoes just cant drop on ME!!!

2006-11-20T10:43:00.000-08:00

relationships are like card houses. you spend months and years building one up, then you take this one card out, intentionally or accidentally, and the whole thing falls apart in a blink of an eye.

you drool on it for a while, milking as much drama as you could out of the whole thing, then when it dries out you build another card house, thinking this one won't fall apart as easily. maybe you won't use that one card, because obviously if it weren't for that one card it wouldn't have crashed, or you'll build a wider bottom row, or you won't make it as tall...

or maybe you won't build another one. you pick up the whole deck and play solitaire, or whatever other game you could play by yourself, something in which nothing crashes, nothing falls apart, no matter how many cards you move.

love life is fucked up, period. maybe i'll develop love 2.0 one day, as soon as i'm done debugging. i got the idea watching seinfeld a long time ago, the muffins episode. love 2.0 will only have beginnings and no endings. you'll keep starting relationships, and the whole thing is over after the beginning period.

or maybe it's like a cucumber, never bite the end, just throw it away.

i'm so full of it.

2006-11-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

Whenever I take Anti-Histamine before I go to bed at night, I wake up the next day a different person...
Sedated, indifferent,and calm...
I don't really pay attention to the people and things around me...
I just sit down and listen to the lecture.. and I really get it...
People pass me by and I barely smile...
The girl next to me talks and I just nod...
Even my brain shuts down and I stop daydreaming....
I barely remember the things in the past...
Whenever I take Anti-histamine I become a very very normal and happy person..
If Only I could take one with the half life of like 40 years!!! I would've become the most content person in the world..

2006-11-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

I like to judge people.. what's wrong with that? People judge me too..,
most of the times i am wrong, and people turn up to be better than I thought they are..
But then I always stick to my first impression..
i usually hate people..
Let me rephrase it, I usually dont care much about people.. even if they are worth it!!!

2006-11-14T09:30:00.000-08:00

raining. the guy in the mirror got terribly upset when he couldn't find his deodorant this morning. he then unwrapped his towel and buried himself back underneath the sheets. considered calling in sick, decided not to. this french song was in the air, the frightened guy on the speakers' box on the top shelf staring at him, as usual. it's not sadness, it's not pain, it's not misery, not even tired anymore. not depressed, not bored, not caged. it's kinda blue, kinda light greenish. it's definitely not emptiness. it tastes like aluminum, kinda metallic. he's been around, he's seen this and that, here and there, but he's never experienced this. he thought about the things he hasn't seen, and he thought about death.

the dead guy picked up the deodorant from beneath the pile of tshirts, put on an orange shirt and went to work. he did use a bit too much coconut body butter (because they discontinued sesame) and the door knob slipped in his right hand the first time, but he managed to exit, glide down the stairs and even feel the drizzle on his forehead. it's a rainy day, dead man smiling.

2006-11-12T08:13:00.000-08:00

there was this scene in this movie i watched a while back, i think the name was code 46 or something, tim robbins was sitting acroos the table from this chick i don't recall, and she asks him if his kid is special to which he replies of course he is, and she says something like everyone's kids are so special it makes you wonder where all these ordinary grown ups come from...

so what happens to us? where is it that one loses that 'special' thing? then of course the same phenomenon applies to so many things : isn't every relationship just the perfect one when it starts? well maybe not everyone, i sure have started a couple doomed from the first minute, but what about the rest? when is it that the perfection fades out, where does the excitement go? do people change so radically? do emotions go stale? or is it maybe the priorities rearranging themselves? is it the curiosity factor? where are all the scientists on this? what has technology done to preserve the enthusiasm, the passion, the butterflies? is there a diet for couples to remain emotionally stimulated? why am i asking all this crap before i'm even fully awake on a sunday morning? i mean heck i should just suck it up and live it. where did my newly collected wisdom go? didn't i decide one should never ask why anything is the way it is about life? am i feeling insecure? am i fucked up and i'm just seeking something to blame? very likely.

zip.

2006-11-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

so i can't get my sde script to work. some totally-irrelevant-extremely-annoying invalid database name error has been popping up since monday when i ran it first, and i just can't figure out what the hell is wrong with it. i read some 100 threads on esri's support forums and no luck. the little voices in me advised being proactive, urged me to create an account and post my own message, make progress.

so i hit the red button, and heck what do i know, i already have an account there. all i have to do is enter my email and have my password reset and sent to me instantly. all the information matches, so i get to this one last confirmation page with my customized verification question, which of course i myself have picked whenever i had created this account.

my secret question : what is your dream job?! now that's one hell of a secret question; it's so secret i don't know it myself. this must have been a monday morning when i was still under strong influence of the substances consumed during the weekend. dream job?!! i tried about a 100 guesses, not because i needed the password that badly, sheer curiosity, some insight into my own past maybe. journalist, photographer, stripper, gigolo, ceo, writer, pilot, manager, waiter, barista, walmart greeter, bouncer, janitor, cellist, rockstar, presidency, clown... none worked. double you-tee-ef. there has been a time when i knew what my dream job was, so what the fuck was it?! damn it.

2006-11-07T15:45:00.000-08:00

We sat down for hours and tried hard to gossip about other people... but somehow all the conversations drifted back to "Ourselves.."
We found out that Honestly we don't care about the people that we knew enough to learn the name of half of them, let alone talk behind their backs..
Even hating someone consumes emotions.. we just are not those type of people...
Our lack of care for others have become our Virtue...

2006-11-06T11:54:00.000-08:00

life is walking in downtown vancouver on a cloudy afternoon, meeting new and old faces for all you can eat sushi. life is observing the faces around the table, trying to figure out what they're thinking about, their ex-significant-others, their significant-other-to-be's, their apartments, their credit cards, their graduate degrees, their accents when pronouncing names of maki rolls, their hair styles, their shoes, the secret decisions they made just right then...

life's not boring when you're traveling. i think miseries can't fly, so you can get away from them if your jet flies far enough. or maybe they're just cheap, so they take the bus, and they'll never get anywhere in less than a few days. one should keep running, just like forrest did to find his forester, or even better : fly; maybe that's why every kid dreams of becoming a pilot instinctively, so that they could always fly away and leave it all behind.

2006-11-01T11:52:00.000-08:00

"chewing on chicken curry chimichanga"

just thought i'd share that even though what i had was just a simple chicken curry wrap

2006-11-01T09:11:00.000-08:00

Every morning I make " Chai," but then it's so hot I cant drink it for at least half an hour...I still cant bring myself not to boil the hell outta water

The only reason that I eat salad is because of my favorite dressing, it tastes so good Just like " Ghareghooroot."

The only reason that I study Dr.D's lecture more than everybody else, is not that I think it will be important in the future, it's just that he is so damn cute!!!

The only reason that I am going to the Engagement party that MJ is throwing for S&J on Sunday is that fact that MJ keeps reminding me that I didn't go to her party last time, but she drove an hour to attend my B.Day Party!!! Other than Me and S ( the bride to be)absolutely hate each other ...

The only reason that I invited "L," to stay over at our place during holidays, because she didnt go back home and was alone, is not the fact that we are friends. We are not, I dont even like her.
I invited her over because she told me how she wished her parents could go back to Iran just like my parents, but they cant because they are Jewish and their name is on some sort of black list back in Iran... Honestly it was just my guilt

And the only reason that I registerd to vote was that my mom did it for me.. she is the one concerned about Environment, social justice and stuff... I personally prefer Chaos to Democracy...

Talk about Much ado about nothing

2006-10-31T09:24:00.000-08:00

on the credit side i've managed to stay out of the hospitals this week. on the debit side, however, my car broke down and it needs about a grand to recover. apparantly the thermostat has refused to let the water flow and the head gasket has suicide bombed itself in opposition against the pressure. i met my thermostat yesterday, he was just a regular short guy in his sixties, a bit stiff, but he was ok, i didn't get mad at him or anything.

school is about to finish, two quarters to go. everybody's talking about resumes and job interviews. i'm thinking what's the next milestone i could pick for postponing my decisions. i mean heck i still don't know what i wanna be when i grow up. maybe i could get another masters, maybe i should go for a phd this time, afterall it will buy me a good four years or so.

there are two types of people in this world, those who take charge and those who don't. the former graduates, works, copulates, reproduces, grows and raises, the latter stays in school, forever, conveniently busy and comfortably numb.

2006-10-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

fuck.

infuckingsomniac, i have become.

i get an hour of sleep when i go to bed, and another hour or so after sunrise. i have a constant headache and advils are not working either. i count the sheep, literally. then i'm like fuck the sheep, just count. then i think about good times, bad times, money, women, life, hell, then i think it's too hot, then it's cold, then i start the rolling frenzy, then the cuts on my belly hurt, then i tuck in two pillows and elevate my knees, then i get up and pee, then i drink water, then i check the time, and the pain lingers on...

2006-10-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

Endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography is both a test and a way to treat some conditions. In english it's a rather thick tube going down your mouth through your stomach and into the small intestine through which the doctors pass a tongue, a camera and other miscellaneous fluids into the area of interest. I was sedated three times, said the doctor, because i kept moving and resisting the tube after the first two injections. the only thing i remember is people shouting "nah, don't!", in native perrsian accent of course, this is orange county after all. my ducts are now stone-free, and the pain is much more manageable - which is not necessarily good, since i don't get to have my periodic trips to the other side anymore. the following is a very personal note to a piece of me, about to be dismissed :

my deareast gallbladder; thanks for being there for my extra bile through all these years, trough the new york steaks, the bbq ribs and even the dizis we recently enjoyed back in motherland. relationships, my friend, often come to an end, and such is the one between you and the rest of me. we shall depart today and never meet again; so gall, if you wanna leave, take good care, hope you have a lot of nice clothes to wear, a lot of nice things turn bad out there... Oooh baby baby it's a wild world, i'll always remember you, like a child girl ;)

2006-10-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

now here's some good news for those who ignore their gallstones the first time they start hurting : if you're lucky (like me) your gallstones will manage to move down the cystic duct and almost clog your common bile duct. this will of course cause severe back and abdominal pain, nausea and headaches. the pain escalates after any kind of non-liquid food, sometimes leading to momentary lapse of the senses.

when you helplessly run out of your supply of vicodins from that last time and admit yourself to the er of your local hospital and they call your name 'shortly' within the next three hours, they will take an ultra-sound, get some blood samples and urine tests, in which they not only find blood cells but also symptoms of mild infections. they inform you that you're not leaving the hospital anytime soon and that the surgeon will see you tomorrow for a potential surgery.

now here's the best part : when they see you sweating in pain and struggling to breathe, one wise pharmacist walks in with the most teeny tiny needle in her hands, and she pokes it into your hand through the iv. within less than a minute you feel relieved, then your muscles all relax, your whole body floating. you can't help smiling. you close your eyes and enjoy the blissful calmness, you open your eyes and see faces coming and going, every one smiling.

i had an all liquid lunch with a chocolcate pudding as a dessert, i could feel the pain as i was swallowing the last few spoonfulls of pudding, and it started : the excruciating pain and the sweats, rolling on the bed i pushed the nurse button, and asked for my pain killer. within a minute another smiling lady walked in with the magic needle in her hands, and voila. i am in heaven once again.

2006-10-13T17:33:00.000-07:00

When I was almost 22 years old I turned down and oppurtunity to work in a tiny unknown Silicon valley start up... i mean come on why work in a company with less than 100 employees,who were mostly Chinese ....
I mean who the hell has heard of Gforce?? It was just another Valley Start up. I mean come on doesnt NVIDIA sound funny?
Anyways last night my brother stayed out with his friends until 5 am, his extremely cheap Indian buddy who works in Youtube.com was buying them drinks..
Like Sister like Bother ; My bro turned down the offer to work in a silly start up...

Now somebody please top my ANTI-ACHIEVING family...

2006-10-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

sharing is good.

2006-10-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

the problem is the convenience. it's extremely convenient to be depressed, reactive and dysfunctional. it's convenient to be miserable. it's convenient not to care, not to worry. to be or not to be?! it's always convenient not to be, regardless.

it's convenient to justify, to rationlize, to disclaim. my favorite is when i come across people with no or very few opportunities compared to those of mine and it takes me less than a second to generate seven reasons why they're better off than i am, and why their lives are much easier and how clueless they are. it's not that i'm selfish, it's not that i'm blind, it's just sheer convenience.

laziness is fatal, and extremely convenient. what's the purpose of life, universe and everything else? it's all been created for my convenience, and nothing else. amen.

2006-10-11T16:58:00.000-07:00

The guy sitting next to me pointed to the sky :" It will be raining soon." He said
" rally?" I replied
-Oh yeah, you didn't notice the thunder?
-No
I didn't bother to tell him that the only thing that I am seeing is a very clear sky, and really it's too early for rain

He then asked me if I go to Cal ( as in UC Berkeley), pointing to my backpack..
And I just said
- Oh, No
And then an awkward silence followed...
The poor guy waited for me to say something, but I really didn't know what to say..
I could've asked him if he goes to Cal? But honestly I didn't care
I could've asked him if he was going to Fremont? But that was where the BART was headed anyways...
It's been a long time since I have given up on small conversion with strangers because I don't really like them...

But then I felt bad, the poor guy felt awkward... I wanted to tell him that really " I have manners.." My mom even has thought me how to treat my Landlady's kitten: With Respect!!!
I wanted to tell the guy I was not trying to ignore him, even though he was bald and was wearing ragged clothes.. I even thought of asking him if he was Iranian? But then he wasn't and I knew the answer...
The only thing that I wanted to talk about was my friends
:" Dude they are strange, all of them.. I just noticed it the other night in my birthday Party. G made a pass at R right in front of her husband and when I objected he said she will be happier with him ,and Believe me "R," is very happily married. L who is single started giving marriage advice to "B," who is married and they don't even know each other...
And then there is N who has found god, and is really nice to me in order to redeem herself for being a jerk in highschool.She even prays that I find god too , and that is flat out scary because I possibly cant be nice to the people I have been a jerk to, there are simply too many of them..
And then "M," who only watches Indian Movies, and keeps asking me why I dont marry "A"? "Really he is a cool chap, what's wrong with him?" If you know her you would know it's really hard to explain to her that I can not marry a guy who has never asked me out!!! and "S," who leaves the party to go to the corner liquor store and buys even more vodka and drinks it right in the store, and then comes back to party and sleeps on the floor... My mother says if you are drawn to freaks, you are most likely a freak yourself."
I wanted to ask the guy if he thinks I am a freak? and if there is a slight chance of me becoming Normal...

He left at "Union City," without even saying goodbye.

I think this could've been the beginning of a beautiful friendship...
But he didn't hang around enough to get to know me better..
he just left, i Guess because he had to go home..
Small talks have never been my favoriate, they are not meaningless enough!!!

2006-10-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

i arrived at 11:30pm and entered while he was shaking a cosmo for this other girl in the corner. he topped off her glass and i got the rest of it. i talked to a number of people, mostly girls, just chit chat, then we all went upstairs to puff the magic dragon on the roof. uptown tehran is kinda chilly around midnight in late september. i offered my jacket to n. and my ego gained a size or two, plus i was kinda buzzed so i didn't care. for the same reason i did talk aloud a lot, my regular spiel, level two : lame jokes and ultra-cheesy smartass comments.

it was past 2am and most of the people had left. six of us were sipping and munching on the leftovers around the table, listening to some 80s tunes, maybe some cure, some dylan, some 70s too. that's when we first talked. he said a. should go back, and he said i should stay there. he said i'm probably a sucker for the 80s, and that i'd fit there since i'm a tramp like any other one. so there, it took a total stranger two hours and a half to get to know me inside out, and we didn't even need to talk.

today i picked up a cd at starbucks, only because it says circa 80 on the cover. it's ok to like eighties. it's ok to be cheesy. it's ok to pretend you're not. it's ok to be a tramp there, it's ok to be a tramp here. it's ok to be transparent. it's all ok. today is not a great day, but it's ok. anything is ok, even nothing. it's also particularly ok if i die today, or any other day for that matter. it's really ok.

2006-10-09T12:26:00.000-07:00

it's really just like anything else in life. it's extremely easy to prove either decision 'right', and extremely difficult to cross either out as 'wrong'. everything is good, it's great to get rich, it's great not to. it's wonderful to live with your family, it's awesome to live on your own. it's best when you get high and drunk every weeknight, it's really pleasant to stay in and relax with some wine and good music. it's really great to be here, it's wonderful to be back there.

i think the reason is that there's no point, period. there's no point to anything, to moving back, to staying here, to life. it will pass eitherway. life is joyous in the moment, and totally sucks beyond that. everyone's great in the moment, and everyone's fucked up beyond that. this moment is the only glimpse of happiness we get, and it's pure misery beyond that.

2006-10-08T11:12:00.000-07:00

I ended up being the successful and happy one amongst my friend, just for the fact that for years I sat down and did absolutely nothing with my life...
I didn't bet my life on anything only to miserably fail...
I didn't achieve something only to find out this was not what I wanted....
I didn't have a lovely wedding, just to find myself bored out of my mind in my marriage...
I didn't go to the Best damn school on the face of planet earth only to find out, that dude it's really hard to graduate from a good school; everybody is a nerd here...

I just slacked off through life...
I achieved a lot through achieving nothing!!!!!

2006-10-05T10:56:00.000-07:00

me no drama. drama is for the weak, right? the post-trip me is lighter, rather afloat.

i unpacked last night. there was a slight chance i'd go back for the weekend but now it doesn't seem likely. so i dug out all the pistachio bags and the yazdi candies in search of some clean underwear. apparently my mom thinks 'under'wear always goes under the rest of the stuff, be it clothes be it dried nuts. i found the complete selection of shahram nazeri, 3000 tomans in mp3 format, wrapped inside my guess jeans - which by the way doesn't look cool anymore, since my mom allegedly 'fixed its scratches' and successfully turned in into just another pair of jeans - i turned on the stereo and popped out the cd. it was thom yorke's eraser, i didn't bother find the cover, just left it on the shelf, turned up the volume and shared 'dar neyestan' with all my neighbors. one should share the joy, always.

i poured some wine and craved something to smoke. s is not here, neither is h, neither is anyone else. so i can't just ask for it. i'm a better man now, for i have made a decision : i am moving east. it's about time pet shop boys apologized for their go west campaign. life only happens in east. the question now is how far east? as usual, time will tell.

2006-10-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

homelessness is a state of mind. home smells like safety, like security, like tarragon in my mother's tea. home feels like fur. home sounds like a bee, you can only here its hum when everything else is quite and everybody else is asleep. home is nice, for those who live in it.

my apartment doesn't feel secure, it smells like lime-flavored detergents and it sounds like a distant detuned radio, and I live in it.

homelessness is just another excuse not to take charge. that's all it is.

2006-10-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

My four year old cousin's birthday is next week. He has invited five of his friends over; and even tore up the invitation that his mom wanted to give one of her friend's son because :" He is not my friend,and I only want MY Friends in my birthday party."
He asked his mom to make him two cakes, with two different designs. One of them with M&Ms on top the other one chocalte covered!!!

When I was four years old, one day I woke up and my mom told me I have to take a bath and wear nice dresses. Because today is my birthday and we have guests coming over...
All I could think of while changing my dress was " I am gonna have a lot of choclate cake today!!!"

I tell ya guys I was born a nonachiever!!

2006-09-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

We wanted to go for Tea and baklava to M's place after the lunch, but everybody else bailed out...
She offered me to go to her place for Tea anyways.They were good Baghlavas, fresh from L.A "G's" parent brought them over last week...
It was too hot for the tea but I had it anyways, and couldn't get my eyes off those Baghlavas..
and then there came that look on her face from the middle of nowhere...
" I am bored, tired, I donno there is something with me.." she exclaimed
" Maybe you are depressed, homesick, it's the exams,.." I still couldn't decide between the baghlavas.. which one I should pick ? they all looked good

And all of the sudden the explosion that I wasn't expecting came along...
He has called her the other day, after all these years, they were highschool sweethearts, he was her first love.. she had to leave, they lost contact..
but she never got over him..
it was a long story started from when she was 15 and was still going on...
I found her looking at me a bit offended, I was licking my fingers while she was telling me about their first date, and how it took 6 months for her to show interest in him or vice versa...
I waited for the tea to cool down...
She went on they wanted to reconnect, and they were going to pick a neutral country and meet up there for couple of weeks; somewhere that there is no one...
and then stopped...
now it was my turn to give advice...
All that I could say was :" I wish we had real brewed tea, not this Lipton piece of shit..."
But she wasn't giving up...
I told her it's great, I am happy for her.. she should give it a shot, just to laugh at herself when she is 50...
I told her to go...
I also wanted to tell her, all I wanted was a baklava and some half assed tea...
I wasn't supposed to pay for it,since the Baghlava's was "G's" to begin with...
but she wouldnt let go...
I had to know about his family, and how her family loved him...
The baklava that I picked tasted like shit.. but I had to finish it anyways..
the second one tasted much better, but by the time I got to it I was almost full...
I told her, relationships are like picking Baghlavas.. there is a 50% chance that they are what you want, and some more things...
Some times people tell you things without any reason, because they just want to talk.. to get it out ( Well it's more relevenat amongst us Girls)
most of the times I am the person they confide in... Maybe because I am too damn "Shekamoo..." just cant say no to anything with sugar in it...
They all know it,and use it to trap me...
by inviting me over for an afternoon tea ....
Once I even had to interlock pinkies with a friend in a sturbucks, while eating a rice crispy bar, and listening to the reasons she was taking prozac. I promised never to retell her story, honestly she didnt have to buy me a cookie. I would've forgetten it anyways..

Most people take pride in being others confidants, for me it's just about Baghlavas!!!

2006-09-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

brace yourselves : i'm moving to shanghai in one year and a half. hope it's not too late.

2006-09-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

In the honor of block exams, we went to "Office Max," after eating in Olive garden and almost getting in fight with waitress
G bought a notebook, a 5 subject one for almost 5$, he has decided to change his studying habits as of next block..
He also bought a pencil and eraser, cause in the middle of exams he has suddenly found out that he only has pens...
five of us were confused between Mechanical pencils, which one equals to a No.2 pencil??
Me and M voted in favor of 0.5
L, yeah there exists another L who is even louder and more embarrassing than me, screamed in the favor of 0.7
we eventually looked at the back of the packages
0.7 won...

I bought a set of highlighters and a set of gel pens, different colors of course...
I came back home, opened the packages...it felt so good, just like a little school girl, oh yeah and for all the perverts out there I used to be "A catholic School girl," whatever that is supposed to mean.. Because these days it's Orthodox Jewish Anti-gay school girl....

I spread the highliters and pens on my desk and stared at them...
then I found a container and put them all away...
I don't know why I bought them, all my lectures and notes are in my laptop...
it has been years since i have written anything by hand...
I guess once in a while you have to spend 20$ just to make yourself feel good for 5 minutes...

2006-09-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

The block Exams will start at 9/11 i know September 11th...
everybody is worried and is studying his/her ass off
the crazy girl who sits next to me has lost ten pounds and i guess half of her dignity, in our eyes of course, by going to and crying for every pervert professor who may give her a point or two for a hug .....

Me, M and G lie down under the trees on the benches making fun of his Asian Fever, lack of interest in cheese,salad,sun and failed attempts at pimping me to a black pimp...

We watch the rest of the class, 81 one of them to be exact, running in and out of the library and professor's offices..
All of them have given in, even C the self proclaimed underachiever...

The only thing that worries us is the fact that we are not worried about the exams or anything in general...
But then we forget and try to decide and choose between a wineray and a brewery to go to...
Good grades are for the Achievers...
the rest of the world belongs to us..

2006-09-06T04:28:00.000-07:00

Death of Seconds

Breath in, breath out, blood cells rush to your lungs, the push through microscopic tubes, their iron core glowing dark red with CO2 exchanging it for O2 . In the meantime more seconds have passed, the air travels back up through the lungs out your nose and mouth. The oxygen is distributed through the cells, used and your heart beats again. Another seconds passes and you haven't moved, again haven't moved. Again have stayed where you were. Can you stay exactly where you were even when you have moved half way across the world ? The heart beats, the blood rushes on, the seconds tick by.

You search and seek, the eternal path to Nirvana not finding Nirvana or Eden you'll settle for Valhalla. She haunts my dreams and I am thankful, better my dreams than my life. I'll be awake in 12 hours and she'll be gone back to what I am sure is a watery grave. Her eyes glowing the pale green of spring grass. I feel her hand on my cheek and hate her with a passion. Her copper skin is red where I have held on too tight and yet in spite of me holding as hard as I can there she is floating away on the early morning mist.

The clock marks the passing of the time and its bell rings again and again the thirteenth bell marks the death of each second. Each one born innocent but sentenced to die without appeal.

The god of time swings her scythe and reaps the souls of my life, each infinite instance passing onto to the next world without good bye, with no wake or grave marking them. Here lies an instant, I looked into the eye of a turtle and saw my own reflection. Here lies an orgasm a perfect moment. Here lies the moment that exists between being asleep and being awake, the moment that simply is. And here lies.

2006-09-03T05:04:00.000-07:00

The wave crashes into me and I lose my footing, I grasp for air and instead get a mouth full of sea water. The water recedes and I try to climb back up but my progress is hindered by the fact that I don't have gloves or sea shoes. My full foot fins are great for diving off of boats but in order to climb up the rocks I have to take them off and the aqua socks are scant protection for the myriad of sharp things I have to step on. I lunge up and grab at something, I feel the rock scrape my knuckles but I don't let go, letting go means starting this whole process again.

I finally make it back up and breath a sigh of relief. I absentmindedly look at my hands, I am cut and bleeding from half a dozen places, then I look at my left hand, apparently somewhere in my climb up I came into contact with a sea urchin. There is a black spike sticking out from underneath the nail of my thumb. It's lodge in halfway down my thumb, I can clearly see its outline under my nail. I slowly grip the end and pull, halfway out my hand slips and for the first time I notice my right hand is shaking, not from the pain but from exhaustion.

The previous day I went on a hike where we accidentally wandered off the trail, got completely soaked in the rain and had to pay a random farmer $500 Taiwan dollars (a bit less than $20 US) to give us a ride back to the train station. What was supposed to be an easy 30 min walk in the forest ended up as a 6 hr hike through the slick wet underbrush. I am now paying the price for the hike.

Pain is just weakness leaving the body or so the marines say. I grip the spike and pull again, it comes out this time and in its wake ruby red drops of blood fall into the ocean. I can feel each cut, bruise or scrape on my body stinging from the salt water. I wonder how the second dive will go.

The second dive is over and when we surface we realize that the current has taken us a lot further than we expected. A 30 min swim against the current later I am at the rocks again, it's even more painful this time and as I walk over the broken bricks that make what is a laughable path I slip and fall onto one knee. I actually have to think for a second before I can muster up the strength to get back up. The scuba tank on my back seems heavier than before and now my left foot is throbbing.

Bruised and bleeding I drag myself back to the car and think about the email I got a few weeks ago. A Wall Street firm I had interviewed with 4 years ago had sent me an email. They were hiring again, this is a boutique shop with an all star IT staff, just making it to the interview is no easy task, I had done well enough to be on the list when they started to hire again. Pay would start somewhere in the 150k range with bonuses regularly pushing it past 200k. When they heard I was in Taiwan and not doing IT they quickly lost interest.

But then I remembered why I was here non-achieving in the first place. Because if I was sitting in a cube on Wall Street all day long I would be wondering how it would feel like to dive in the ocean, walk in the forest,...

I sit in the car and munch on my big mac meal and think to myself, yeah I'd rather know how it feels like than sit and wonder.

2006-09-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

of all the places, it had to hit me on the bowl, thee bathroom bowl.

man waking up. morning person singing in the morning. man naked. man shaving. man squeezing paste on the brush. man walking into the bathroom. man sitting on the bowl. man still singing random tunes. man suddenly singing an old one from very old times. man mother. man mother singing in the kitchen, in distance. man body shaking. man voice trembling. man trying desperately to keep singing. man tears, lots. man confused. man gasping. man sobbing hard, throbbing in pain. man confused. man can't stop. man what the hell. man keep mumbling the old song.

man weeping. man singing. man shouting under the shower. man laughing hard. man throbbing now in laughter. man sobbing. man elated. man chuckling.

man staring at the mirror. man buttoning his cuffs. man calm. man peace. man breaking through to the other side. man so full of it, so full of himself.

i left for work, for one last time; well, not the last time, i am coming back, right?

2006-08-31T14:15:00.000-07:00

I undrestand, I mean I am a very undrestanding person.. that's the only thing that I am good at, being very undrestanding
It's just that most of the time I just don't get it...

2006-08-30T14:37:00.000-07:00

I have started to hate my new friends, there are like two overachiever Arminians in the world and I get to hang out with them!!!!
Somewhere along the line stereotypes stopped working, being a nonachiever..
i was never informed.

2006-08-29T14:44:00.000-07:00

what are the consequences of disowning one's mom? is that anti-non-achiever? has anyone done it and gotten away with it? i need advice...

2006-08-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

i just filled out my time cards. four weeks worth of the vacation time i've been saving for three years now. it's three days plus fourteen, the whole thing. four hundred and eight hours. i hope my sleeping hours won't exceed sixty. that's three hours every night plus a few hours i know i'll dose off during the days. i've done four hours per night for a whole month before, so this shouldn't be that bad. do they have monsters in iran? low carb too? i'm sure they'll have red bull, it's so trendy iranian's gotta have it or...

change. change. change. me change. mom and dad change. sister change. friends change. friends married. friends' kids. streets change. cars change. weather change. Hi, my name is change, and I've been changing for five years and nine months now.

the question is pace. rat race. definitive motives or irrational exuberance? whichever, whose race is it anyways? which race? did i get out to win anything? or was it barely a survival strategy?

she said we'll go to kish together. i've never been to kish. i'm excited about kish, it's probably the only place that won't bring back any memories, whatsoever.

2006-08-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

" Scanners are the people who are stuck in the present, they have completely blocked out the past, and refuse to admit that there is a future and they might live for a decade or two after today..."
I was watching PBS today...

2006-08-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

it's happening, and i'm singing nonstop. y'all missed the moment when he was explaining each page to me, and how i couldn't care less, how i almost ran out, afraid they might change their mind, or that i might not be able to suppress my scream long enough to get out of that verdamnte securidad. gotta love america, immigiration services is invaded and completely run by immigrants.

so folks, you lot may start asking for souvenirs, i reserve the right to ignore some, but you never know, i might bring some too.

2006-08-22T11:56:00.000-07:00

I traumatized my landlord's kitten hoping one day she gets tired of me and kicks me out...
No use, the other day she took the kitten to her room explaining her the fact that " Not everybody likes you!!!"
I even tried coming home really late and leaving early...
She is too understanding...
I don't have a lease, I can leave anytime that I want....
I know the moment I pack my bag and leave I will start missing Sophie, the kitten,I know I live a very dramatic life here in Vallejo ....

P.S : My favoriate conversation of the week

Mom: How was your day?
Son : Horrible...
Mom : why?
Son: Becasue I went to school
Mom: oh so how are your teachers?
Son : Awful...

2006-08-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

this is going to sound very cheesy.

we were waiting for our 23" pizza when he said he'll look into teaching options in ucla. i told him he'd be too dumb to do that, and it came off rather too strong. we talked a bit and everybody said something and pizza arrived and we ate and left.

driving home i just couldn't figure why i did that. why did i tell him he should be too dumb to do that. am i jealous? did i really overreact because i knew i couldn't do that myself and i wanted to? i really hoped it wasn't that, but i couldn't articulate why else i would cough up my objection like that.

i am not jealous. i don't find life very exciting, and he is excited, and that makes me feel insecure.

ok this is worse than cheesy, this is just pure bullshit. whatev.

2006-08-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

i took out my visa and said we should hold on to the new dollar for its charm, she handed it to the indian cashier guy and ignored me. i looked at the ticket and chuckled, she asked me if its my first time. she said her grandpa started it, she said we should never lose hope, i think there is no hope, but i don't think there's anything wrong with holding on to things that don't exist.

i hold on to my past, my home, my family. she's holding on to a&a who just moved back east. and now we're both holding on to a mega million ticket - not a super lotto one, because "remember super lotto is on wednesdays and saturdays". it's my first one, and it's all good.

2006-08-17T11:18:00.000-07:00

latest update from the class...
The class resident lesbian hit on yet another persian girl, this one is married with a kid. I think she likes them exotic
Her first victim feels left out and neglected....

we almost got lucky today...a fire alarm, but unfortunately no real fire...
It's a shame, some of these idiots had a shot at death....

I just cant love the people here more, every morning I pass by this dude that I knew from childhood, and havent heard from in years.... He is now an Urthodox Jew..
We just pretend we dont notice each other...
even after we talked...

2006-08-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

I am blogging here, in order to avoid this Armenian guy who is bored out of his mind and just wants to talk...
I am pretending that I am working on a case study....
The thing with this school is that, I actually like the classes and professors and books, and the library...
It's the people whom I can't stand...pretty much all of them
I prefer to blog about nothing than socialize with them...
They are painfully stupid, or maybe I am stupid..
or maybe nobody is stupid...
it's all about the prefrences, and stuff...
oh and today the Iranian girl who sits next to me and is actually married with a kid was crying becasue she Can't take good notes, I repeat she cries because she cant take good notes...
And also our class repesntatives asked for us to Email them our birthdays, so each month people who were born in that month will have a joint birthday with Cake " Isnt that sweet?" Asked the class representative!!!
And also it has been suggested that we have myspace accounts, so we can connect even more !!!!!
On the upside Berkeley is only half an hour away, now I have a new appreciation for dope!!!

2006-08-15T19:03:00.000-07:00

and it's wave after wave after wave after wave spinning and pulling me down, and it always takes three years, exactly.

i got into this one of a kind school, and i screwed up all my final exams by third grade, like big time. my third year of highschool was exemplary in so little i achieved. i basically stopped playing piano, basketball and didn't study shit, all i did was coding on some stupid black and green terminals we'd just installed. i slam dunked on concours, got straight As the first two semesters, and i was called into the dean's office and almost kicked out the third year after i flunked circuits (ii) for the third consecutive time.

i joined the company exactly three years ago. i got promoted twice, i got two of the largest raises the company has ever granted. yesterday marked my third anniversary in the land of cubicles, i got called into my boss's office and received my notice. i will be laid off in a month if i keep missing the deadlines the way i have done in the past six months.

will you marry me? i'll let go in three years, or your money back.

2006-08-13T17:13:00.000-07:00

Whenever I want something really bad and I can't get my hands on it...
I remind myself of the other people who also want that thing really really bad...
And then I think that if I had that thing then maybe I had to share it with those people, the less fortunate, and Viola I don't want "That thing," anymore.

2006-08-11T11:39:00.000-07:00

"Feeling screwed up at a screwed up time in a screwed up place does not necessarily make you screwed up."

Pump up the Volume

2006-08-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

i am dead sure that the creators of this have had no idea about how their product is going to be used. apart from my latest obsession, it's proving to be the most relaxing, therapeutic and tranquilizing activity of my spare time. it's the best remedy for nostalgy, and it does bring a lot of memories back; what better way to reassure yourself that you did have another life than finding your school, your home, your favorite late night fast food... obviously the effects of vivid memories on current mood and productivity rate of the addicts is indeed a complicated and controversial discussion outside the scope of this text.

2006-08-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

departure is scheduled in 26 days and 4 hours. no travel documents yet. 50+ were deported last week with valid official visa stamps in their passports. some detained overnight, handcuffed too, even the little ones with the family. chinese embassy issued 58 visas today, or 200, or whatever, but they did it for every single one in the class, but they need to see me in person, maybe an interview, since i don't have a greencard. whetever, i'm not going anywhere without those papers anyways.

sister back home. home is happy, joy in their voices. keeps me going. life is a struggle between pain and boredom, as kk said, and i think i'm beyond bored.

2006-08-07T12:34:00.000-07:00

i woke up at 4am on friday morning and went to bed at midnight last night. while old friends and interesting strangers were met and conversed with in between, a series of unfortunate events brought me in contact with 911 three times, twice into the ER and once into a knee high flooded bathroom. the following is a few actions i've learned not to pursue in the future :

- in case it's 4am and you're dead tired, and your best friend is lying in front of you on the ER bed bleeding nonstop, and if her finger's wired to a very interesting looking piece of electronic equipment with lots of small screens and colorful buttons on it, DO NOT push the red button that says 'push to activate'. i repeat, DO NOT listen to the red button, the displays will go bizerk and a most disturbing beep will begin indefinitely annoying the hell out of your pale and frustrated friend. in the event that you did, run for the nurse, make up some bullshit story like she flipped and pulled the wire and ask her to rush back in and shut the damn thing off.

- in case your friend asks you to go rest in the waiting room and there are two hispanic families sitting apart, and just in case there are a good number of cops sitting and standing around the area, DO NOT stare at the blood stains on shirts, hands, feet and the clothes of the people around you. also, refrain from sitting next to the one with the most number of stains on his shoes, specially if you're bald, wear a two-day old beard, a ragged t and cargo shorts. the other guy will start whispering something to the biggest and darkest of the cops who'll approach you with his eyes locked into yours, ask you for id and inquire if and how you know the guy next to you and his brother who just stabbed the other guys' buddy in that club in fremont. of course, it won't help that you stutter either.

- in case you've spent last night in the ER, have had a presentation at 1pm and have spent the whole day walking and talking to random strangers and have just had a red bull vodka after dinner and can hardly keep your eyes open, and if someone faints and you dial 911 and follow his instructions and bring the paramedics in, do NOT say yes when they ask if you're accompanying the patient to the ER. i repeat, it's ok to say no when her husband and another friend are already going with her. in the event that you can't say NO to anyone for the life of yours, take your own car, that way you might be able to get out when the nurse smiles her guts out that she's totally fine and she'll be released as early as two hours from now.

- in case you're just about packed and ready to leave your friend's apartment and suddenly notice that you've forgotten to put the mattress back into the wardrobe, and if the mattress refuses to fit into that top partition, DO NOT squeeze the mattress in. you will break the sprinkler that noone knew existed on the ceiling of the wardrobe which will connect you directly to an angry ocean of water which can't wait to flood the apartment.

- in case you're soaking in your wet jeans while desperately pushing your numb thumb into the non-visible sprinkler on the ceiling of the wardrobe and if the firefighter guy in cool sunglasses is standing at the corner chatting on his walkie-talkie DO NOT ask for his help. He'll take a wrench, pretend he's showing you how to shut the valve by performing the action on another sprinkler, and finally break the other one too. you'll go blind under the pressure of water and have to move the stool such that you could attempt to shut both sprinklers by putting both thumbs into the holes on the ceiling. your arms will nearly fall, and you'll scream helplessly, watching the water ruining your friend's carpet, furniture, bathroom...

- in case you're standing in the middle of a flooded apartment and decide you should start draining from the bathroom, DO NOT use the fancy porcelain black trash bin. you will not only break the but also cut your hand too.

- in case you're driving down the i5 on a sunday afternoon and if you crave a lo-carb monster like there's no tomorrow, and if you stop by casa de fruta in the middle of nowhere to buy your dose of taurine, DO NOT take a shitty coca-cola rip off of an energy drink if the gas station does not carry monsters. it will taste like shit, make you nauseous and screw your stomach for a good few hours. of course the bumper to bumper traffic near la doesn't help either.

- in case you're wondering if i've made any of these up, stop. i did not, i think.

2006-08-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

I have a wierd flu bug that comes and goes...
Like yesterday everything was fine and all of suddent I threw up on the dental hygenist in the dentist office...
and today again i had to stay in bed for the whole day...
it's been like that for a while now..
I just tired and bored...
Is there anything called " Bored Again?"

2006-08-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

The good news for you means someone else will be disappointed
Her happiness is in part due to the fact that you had to let go of something so she was able to have it...
One's trash, one's treasure...
His gain, her loss

Who are we kidding? Nothing really happens in the world...
Nothing of any importance at least..

2006-08-03T17:00:00.000-07:00

many are always smarter than a few, or are they? many are always more miserable too. many are always dumber. i mean i see that collectivism does exist, but i also believe in portfolio theory, which states that many are always less risky than a few.

i think the only point in which the two may converge is where conservatism is considered 'smart'. i believe i hate that point, hence i refuse to believe in both collectivism and portfolio theory at the same time. i hereby declare myself an individualist, i choose to stay a singular portfolio, maximizing the risk in hopes of infinite returns.

i'm sick.

2006-08-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

somewhere in believer the guy said the minute the world stops hating the jews they will be extinct. the white trash barista at diedrich's will probably die if she runs out of reasons to hate the world. the persian guy at chevron's will die if his customers stop making him repeat himself a gizillion times with his thick accent. the hispanic girl at the dry cleaning will die if her customers didn't notice her obesity. we will all die sooner or later, and i will probably die the day i find happiness.

2006-08-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

Whenever I am the verge of achieving something...
i stop and ask myself " Why?"
I have never been able to come up with a decent answer...
I am thinking of retiring one of these days...
soon
soon...

2006-07-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

today a blind man with one of those huge canes smiled at me, i didnt really notice it until he was gone.. and then it was too late to smile back
i really felt bad, i think i have broken a nice blind man's heart..

2006-07-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

these days when I am encountered with good customer service... i feel bad..
i mean for the good customer rep...
when they tell me they dont want to loose my business, and i am important to them..
i mean who can respect a Corporate W....E ( Rhymes with more)

2006-07-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

he cracks his knees when he wakes up, but only after he cracks his neck. he cracks his fingers eventually when he's bored typing, much less frequently than he cracks his neck. he cracks his back by turning his upper body sideways, especially when he's about to fall asleep in the afternoons, after which he immediately cracks his neck.

he had a very rough night the other night, he didn't sleep at all, but every 10 minutes or so he cracked his neck.

he enjoyed sushi and his company last night, he liked the movie too, after which of course he cracked his neck.

life's full of shit, and he doesn't care; all he cares about is to crack his neck.

2006-07-25T08:38:00.000-07:00

i watched 4 hours of reality tv, 1 hour of sex and the city, and half hour of discovery channel yesterday

the rest of the day was spent in front of the computer surfing meaningless sites

i occassionally stretched too

and ate

such is life

2006-07-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

i think i finally know what my dream job is : in my dream world i'm 80 years old and all i do from morning till night is write about the most pathetic, stupid and childish feelings i've expereinced through out the years. isn't misery the most lively and cheerful feeling of all? i think some people take pills for this.

2006-07-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

after she rejected his third proposal through out the years he moved to the old town and lived in a small shack with a huge orange tree in its front yard. he spent the rest of his life pruning the branches right before the oranges would ripen, peeling off their thick green skin and making world's most bitter orange peel jam with which he would break his fast every single morning.

this was all in his head of course, in reality he moved on, after a couple of years working for a mid-size corporation made some money, got married in the city, had kids in the suburbs and led an extremely ordinary life till the day he died.

2006-07-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

1.keeping up with the rest of nonachievers... i have done nothing useful for the past month..
and today i was able to bring down my IQ close to my age, by watching "The Tyra Banks show's special on booty..." oh and I watched Oprah too...

2. who knew the person who came up with the concept of looping was my dad...
on the way from airport he was very much himself, repeating and repeating and repeating the same story over and over... I looked hard but he was an early design didnt come with Playback ON-OFF button,..

3. I have decided that whenever I want to have children, i just adopt a kid over 5 years old.. a)I dont have to change diapers and b)also i will know what my kid actually looks like..

4.Last year this time i looked back at my life and i thought " i was really naive last year this time," the other day i was looking back at my life and thought " wow i was really naive last year.."
on behalf of all the years to come
i am generally naive..
we all are..

2006-07-19T00:21:00.000-07:00

he's content, no really, he is. he'd like to cut all ties with past, all of them. he cuts one for each day and he counts his days, one for each time he recalls her name, and he repeats her name, one for each time she doesn't reply. he cuts his ties with his past one by one, one for each time he recalls she's gone for good.

2006-07-18T11:24:00.000-07:00

the most delightful conversation that i have had in a while...

Me : So how old are you?

Jasmine : ( showing three fingers) but next year I will be ( shows four fingers)

Jasmin's mom : did you tell her when was your birthday

Jasmine : May seeneethit

Jasmin's mom : May 17th

Me : So what did you do for your birthday

Jasmine : ( after doing a little bit of thinking) hmmm i blew the candles!!

Me : What did you wish for?

Jasmine : Cookies...

P.S: this is not the picture of jasmine

2006-07-18T00:15:00.000-07:00

sam walton was a good man. he hated the millionaires his machine created, and he never identified with them. he's been a man of principles and discipline. "are corporations really bad?" thought the young luke to himself, as he was stepping out of his business strategy class. he was so inevitably tempted by the dark side, and not even leia could rescue him...

2006-07-16T22:28:00.000-07:00

you should watch scenes from a marraige, all three discs at once. soothing, soothing. you should drink some shiraz, while listening to some sosa. you should clean the wine stain on the carpet like there's no tomorrow. you see if the stain's removed, it's all gonna be good. if the stain's removed, things will be ok. if the stain's removed, i'll be happy. if the stain's removed everything will be in its right place. if the stain's removed it will be a better world. trust me, it's all about that stain. sponge. blot. squeeze. blot. rinse. sponge again.

it's all about the stain, just this one stain. god damn it...

2006-07-12T16:58:00.000-07:00

relationship is like a dark room with two photos hanging on its walls. one's mine when I met you, and the other's yours when you met me, and that's all we see from each other. i grow up for the people outside, just like you do for them too. the longer we stay in it together, the older we grow, the more we change, the less we'll identify with the pictures on the walls, and yet they remain to be all we see when we look at each other.

why?

2006-07-08T20:49:00.000-07:00

"I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody."

"Everything everybody does is so—I don't know—not wrong, or even mean, or even stupid necessarily. But just so tiny and meaningless and—sad-making. And the worst part is, if you go bohemian or something crazy like that, you're conforming just as much as everybody else, only in a different way."

"I'm just sick of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else's. I'm sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting. It's disgusting."

"I'm not afraid to compete. It's just the opposite. Don't you see that? I'm afraid I will compete- that's what scares me. That's why I quit the Theater Department. Just because I'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I'm sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash."

JD Salinger, Franny and Zooey

2006-07-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

i didn't work today. well maybe two hours total. i spent the rest of the day daydreaming about a trip. things i could do, places i'd go and people i'd meet. i got bored of waiting for the freakin paper to come through, "it will", the little voices told me, so i bought it.

september 4th, 2006, 5pm PST, exactly 5 years, nine months and six days after i stepped out of lax and into this illusion of my dreams come true. i'm leaving, on a jet plane...

so many hours of listening to so many i picked up coming back from home, so many times dropping those about to leave for home, and so many times staring at their backs before their last turn into the gates area, wishing for a miraculous rift in time and space through which we could switch sides. so many nights i woke up wondering why i'm not in my room, and finally i'll put an end to the longing.

some say you'll get fed up on the 3rd day, some think i'll have a hard time coming back, some promise me it will be my last trip. some even dare say i'll get married. i think they are all wrong. i think it will be just like here, an illusion of my dreams, some intact, some faded away. i really think it's all the same all over the place. one thing i'm sure of though, i'll spend as much time with them as possible, just the two of them, just like the old times. that i can't go wrong with.

oh and except you all, haven't told anyone yet. home, i'm coming.

2006-07-05T20:44:00.000-07:00

Well I suppose they call it
"COST of attnedance,"

Tuition / Fees 29,328
Books / Supplies / Laptop 3,622
Room / Board 15,346
Personal 2,192
Transportation 2,074
Prof. Development Conference 600
Total $53,162

And I quit my job a 401K, a stock purchasing plan in a fortune 500 for this?
And it will be four years...
My head still hurts

I have to pay all the loans one day...

My head seriously hurts...
I will be 32 when i get out...
I can barely breath...

2006-07-05T17:57:00.000-07:00

people are either nuts or boring. all three of us decided to go nuts, only one truly succeeded.

did you know that there are actually people out there who don't know what an integral is? i just met a few of them, they have two eyes and one mouth, they even walk like the rest of us... gosh, who would have guessed...

did you know that life is a struggle between boredom and pain? no really, did you? well from now on you can be thankful when you're bored, you're by far considered lucky.

did you know that a creamry and an ice cream place are NOT necessarily the same?! i mean come on, i thought i mastered the most complicated science when i took a brewery tour in portland and finally figuered out the difference between ale and beer; and only now i'm learning about frozen yogurt and ice cream and their deviations... geez, why? why?

did you know that even that cute little cozy left-wing liberal coffee shop in pasadena is closed on the fourth of july?! for f**ks sake where the hell am i supposed to exert all my intellectual bs into a meaningless conversation over a double espresso now??!

did you know that some people - including me - are deeply irritated by bad punctuation?! especially overt use of exclamation marks?!!!!!!!!!!

did you know that i've literally run out of anything worthy of saying? well now you do..!?!...

some people can't even go nuts. they can only fake it. i'm fake, right now, right here.

2006-07-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

" The wedding is at August 5th, down in L.A, you should come. You should DEFINITELY come, A & A will be there too... omigod it will be just like the old time. Like when were kids.."She told me the other day
And I replied back :" I know, I will try to come. Definitely..."
or something like that...
It has been a long time since I have met anybody who has known me from my previous life, all that I tried to erase and forget when I moved here
not that i hated it, no it is just when I move, i move...
i dont look back, there is no point in that...
maybe because i kinda recreated myself here
here i am myself...
back there i was just member of a family, i was too young, too dorky, too anti-social, too much of a book worm, too much of....

It's just that when you move, you move. You better dont leave any pieces behind, cause it's too hard to go back and collect them and try to put them back together...

I loved it back then, there was me and my best friend crazy walks all over the city, the long stops at the bookstore.. the long talks..
and then my grandparents...
My sister's crazy Ex boyfriend who used to call us day and night for years and threaten to commit suicide if she doesn't marry him, even after she married another guy...
The hikes in the weekend, the food, the mountains...
My dad
Yeah there were a lot of things back there, that i liked
but then one day i woke up and went to the airport and never looked back...
i came to a new country, became a new person, changed my major, found new friends, suffered from depression for a while, changed my wardrobe, grew my hair long, dated here and there, traveled alone, fall in love left without a goodbye and never forgave myself, quit my job , went back to school..
For the first time met my dad's family and got to know why my dad never forgave his father yet had a lot of respect for him...
And all the while I was a girl with no history, a girl who came from a far away land long time ago. The girl who didn't talk about the past much, or thought about it..

And out of the blue, my past calls me. This childhood friend, and wants to reenact it. Why? I think that's the way some people are, they dont believe in metamorphosis
They dont know how to move on...
They do everything to shape the flow of life...
Some people call them stupid
I say as long as they are happy who cares...

All I know is that going to that wedding down in L.A will confuse me..
the past me and the present me...
I just know that i brought everything that meant something to me with me...
But knowing myself, I will most likely go . And desperately try to enjoy the company of some childhood friends, that i was never really that friends with anyways..
THeir dad went to college with my dad, that was it...
And will exchange information about the names that i can barely put faces on...
I will feel bad for the girls who married without love,and the boys who became their fathers without ever wanting it...
And I would then remember why i left...
To escape my faith...

2006-07-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

if only i could find the inspiration to write... to write something good that is... it's just that i don't know what my life is about these days... it's about many things i suppose... but nothing to wirte something good about...

2006-06-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

we laughed as we drank up and danced and passed out, sashimi with oysters and shooters and trout.

we fumbled and tripped over seaweed and sand, we rolled as we held on to each other's hands.

we sang some old songs and we messed up the rhymes, we called it a night, good times, good times.

2006-06-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

it's hard to write about nothing with so many things going on... wait, i should correct myself, with so many things going on in my head. it's always in my head. i think my head is fat, not as fat as google though. everything is in google, and many things are in my head. the new waitress from the the vietnamese place is also in my head. the guy on the other table asked her if she's got a boyfriend, she said she does, but he's back home. i wonder if he's cheating on her, i wonder if she'll cheat on him too. i wonder if she can go back, i mean is she even legal? can i go back?

i got a quote for my ticket today. third time this month, not buying of course. the conversation makes me feel like it's happening. she asks me if i'm flexible, do i mind leaving on monday, maybe i wouldn't, it's cheaper, i don't. i get a quote with air france too, thinking i could make a stop to visit my aunt on the way, how many days in paris, two should do, i hear her keyboard as she clicks away my imaginary itinerary with her long fake nails, i recognize the hollow squeak, our secratary uses them. i ask for her name, just to make sure i won't talk to her the next time i call. she calls me dear, i think she's into me. i hang up.

school started on monday and i'm already burned out. work is worse than ever, and they skipped my review this year : no money to spare. it's getting too hot again. i'm starting to have some feelings abour ultra liberals too : i think i hate them as much as the ultra conservatives. ultra sucks. ultra is destructive. it's good that r is not as close to me nowadays, i'd have spent all my money on toxic dried leaves, not that i have any, but still.

this is bullshit, it's all in my head. i just need to go back home, i really do. i'm calling the agency tomorrow...

2006-06-28T11:42:00.000-07:00

we had sushi and Sake...

It was the first time in my life that I ate more than others and was still hungry...

But I paid the same as others...

On the way to our cars, S kept talking about her Crazy Ex who refused to sleep with her out of the fear that he falls for her and then she leaves her, like all other girls before her...
She eventually married this guy she was friends with forever...
I kept looking at my top with red Chinese patterns, under the yellow light it looked black and white...
all our clothes looked black and white
it was like we were in one of those old movies
even our faces looked black and white..
I causually told them that I am pretty much single again, and even one of them suggested to introduce me to someone someone...
B called me and we decided to buy a HOOKA for "T," as a wedding present...
I think "T" really loves this one " Cause he is the only boy she hasnt cheated on, well at least as of yet.."
Later we decided to have Tea in that English Tea room place..

I have learned that friendship is about nothing...
you dont even have to care much, or listen....
you dont need to put too much pressure on anything
or make it complicated..
Friendship is about Sake, Sushi, Hooka, cheap mexican food, and never ending talks...

2006-06-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

She lectures you and everybody else in spirituality and needs admiration....
She reminds you that you are not good enough
that you try to make others happy
that you care about materialistic world

do nothing, no argue, no rationalization

he is going to fuck it up, he is going to destroy himself one more time

just smile and go one with your boring life

they complain about loneliness and yet refuse to come out of their islands....

show sympathy....

He congratulates you but only to remind you that his son did better than you...
he who told you in times of need " I am sorry, have a lot of work to do around house.. too busy.. bye..."

Just thank and hang up the phone...

She has no regards for others...
and accuses you of a being a person who wants to please everybody...

Just tell her :" maybe you are right...."

and the people who never returned your phone calls, or didn't show up when they were supposed to...

Never remind them anything...
they have their lousy selves to live with....

Go on....
the secrete to happy life is being an observer at times...

the secret to happy life is pretending to listen and empathize at times...

you don't have to be a door mat for others...

don't do anything special...

just go on ...
live your boring ,usual, and semi happy life....

Others, let them live their own lives , let them make their own mistakes...
they are entitled to it..

2006-06-26T15:13:00.000-07:00

she's only as confident as her glasses. she can't be sure about what she can't see. it's the vision which is flawed, or lack there of for that matter.
he proposed an alternative, an exquisite manifest of colorful lies, pruned, painted and plastered across the horizon with his own unearthly craftsmanship. you could never be wrong when you lie, you're indeed creating a new universe, a new dimension in which the only possible truth is your own production.

and they lived happily ever after, maybe.

2006-06-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

this update just in: not achieving much these days in keeping with tradition.

2006-06-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

What do u do when two friends who have the best of intentions get into an argument...
bring up something that was deep down there locked...
You know one of those things that can go on , and have been going on, for thousands of years for no good reason..
one of those things..
What do you do when all you can do is watch and bite your finger nails??
Why of all the people you should undrestand the both sides? why the both sides shouldnt undrestand each other..
why it's always me!!!!
You just sit done watch and do nothing..
and then decide that from now on, you need to cut done on the number of your iranian friends...

2006-06-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

We went to the "specialty store for make up," I asked a friend what kind of compact powder she recommends..
she looked around, and shook her head..
and then pulled out her make up bag..
" here, I always use this try it, You can't find it here..."
and then tried some on my face..
We were surrounded by all those free sample, yet we opted to use our own...
talk about achieving nothing

2006-06-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

let me tell you about heartache and the loss of god... huh, not really. let me tell you about sunshine and a brand new day... maybe later. let me tell you about peppermint mini altoids, brown ale, and the angel who came down to my balcony on a thursday evening, a very ordinary day.

he said he's late so he ain't stayin for long. he said he's thirsty and his canteen is all out of wine. he said he's tired and his wings ain't that strong. he can't drink no beer and before i poured him some night-old wine he chugged down the bottle and sat down on the ground, his wings don't fit in no chairs of mine. i stared at his eyes in quite, and watched him lose his consciousness as the night fell from the sky above us. when i lost sight i heard him cryin, sobbin softly as if his dad's dyin. i heard him singin a song right before i passed out, somethin about god, about how he promised he won't let his angels down. now i'd never heard an angel sing, never heard one cryin, never even seen one flyin.

it was still dark when i woke up, i couldn't hear him cryin. blindly i reached for his wings but there ain't no feathers around me, nothin. i started singin his song to the night, something about god, about how he ain't gonna let noone down. now i ain't sure if he can hear me cause i ain't no angel, but the angel must be somewhere near, maybe he'll hear my song, and fly to his god, cryin.

no big deal, all this. i just thought i should let y'all now, about the angel who came down tonight.

2006-06-13T03:09:00.000-07:00

i was watching the stupid tv last night and the tv was watching the stupid me. i didn't go to school so the school didn't get to see me. i didn't study for my final either, because my final didn't feel like having me. i was staring at the walls and the walls stared right back at me. solitude is getting into me in yet another deeper level, in case you couldn't tell.

i had reasons to believe i am a good person. i could count a few people whose lives were more joyful only because of me. "those people have all moved on", my walls keep telling me. happiness is a new computer, a new pill, a new credit card; my tv tries to rejoice. west is the best and we all know it: i live in a state whose gee.dee.pee ranks fifth among the countries in the whole world. i drive a car with an em.pee.three player in its dashboard. i can walk to the pacific ocean. my shaving machine cleanses itself automatically. there's even a well-educated, pretty and witty woman in my life. god damn it, for f**k's sake why am i not happy right now?

something's gotta be missing. maybe it's the weather. screw weather, this is southern freakin california. maybe it's my mattress. maybe i miss my parents. maybe i should go to church. maybe i should stop listening to cuban music.

maybe it's me. i'm just not present, i think it's me, i'm missing out on my life. life, my life, you're too fast for me, please wait, i want to catch up.

2006-06-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

This is the reason that I cant help but love my brother...
He is a such a pragmatic dude!!! Hail to dad..

"So I have been in Stuttgart for a while.
Stuttgart is not a big tourist destination and doesn't have much to offer. I am staying at S's house, which is somewhat far from the city center.
Iran lost the game. Iran dominated the first half but pulled back in the second half. Made a couple of stupid mistakes and Mexico took advantage. Ali Daei is too old to move, he should have retired years ago. Mexico sucked too, they won't stand a chance to advance deep into the playoffs.
There were more Mexican fans than Iranians. They also seemed more experienced in this sort of thing. I think for a lot of Iranians this was their first match. The Iranian team was wearing red and we were all dressed in white. Overall it was a good experience. Although I am open to selling my other ticket for 500$ or more. I probably won't since S is coming to that game and I won't have anything else todo unless I go to another city. It will cost me a lot to go to Spain, otherwise I would.

K and J are cute as hell and good mannered overall.
The house is crowded. B and M are here too. B is still a nonstop smoking machine. S and H arrived yesterday at 1:00 am. They have anounced the have just married in US, but I don't see any rings.

Well I need to plan for sth to do. Otherwise I will be home with the rest of the crowd.

-B"

2006-06-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

"... he's a liar and a cheater. he's got a constant lover that he keeps going back to, and he fools around with others. we need to stop men like him. warn her... "

- constant lover.

he's too easy to mistrust, too easy to mislead. too naive to second guess, too dumb to think twice. too young to know better, too old not to care. too funny, too lame, too predictable, too spontaneous. too close to the borderline, too confused. warn her, warn her, may she not let herself be amused. amen.

- he.

2006-06-06T22:15:00.000-07:00

it's waaay too hot. take off your shoes. off with the jeans. take off your shirt. sit on the balcony chairs, the ferforje ones with the ice cold metallic back rest. lean back, bare skin against the chilled rods. easy. slow. easy. it hurts. it burns. it stings. it's brutal. aaaawwwwwwh. but it feels so good...

2006-06-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

i may be crucified for this... but can someone tell me how many poems with tea leaves and cardamom and grandma's cooking permeating the air is needed to make us who we are?! i catch myself inserting this stuff into my writings sometimes so they become more "ethnic" more "cultured" more "nostalgic"... cause my writings are certainly ordinary [ordinary meaning void of any kind of reference to my heritage or the enormous pain and prejudice that I encountered in america] and not good enough for the english language, and without these words they don't seem to be good enough for my own race either! why am i feeling guilty and intimidated reading non-ethnic poetry to americans AND iranians?! and no, i don't want to capitalize those words!

2006-06-05T00:40:00.000-07:00

He's afraid to click. He's not sure if he'd want to know. He's dying to know. He already knows what he's about to learn. He's afraid to click. He should click. He'll click. He could never click. What if it's her? What if it's not? He can't not click. He'd kill to know. He does not want to know. He's afraid to click.

Open a new page. New is good. New is clean. Open a new world. Write a letter, a word, a sentence. Draw a line. Draw the sun. Underline it. Imagine her. Draw a smile. Watch her smile. Draw a box. Imagine me. I'm in the box. Draw a door. Open the door. Draw a bird. Free the bird. Close the door. Drop the box. Erase the lines. Erase a letter, a word, the sentences. Erase the whole world. Clean the mess. Close the page.

He's afraid to click. He will, he won't, he won't, he can't, he won't. He clicked. No he didn't. He's afraid to click. He can never ever click.

2006-06-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

Yade man bashad beravam Baghe Hassan Gojeh va Gheisii bekharam!!!!

2006-06-02T19:46:00.000-07:00

Everybody is gone!!! I mean literally everybody
To Germany to support their beloved team. Back home to chase after their long gone power, influence and nostalgia. Somewhere in middle of nowhere to meditate and pray for all the lost souls, a rainforest just to hold hand with the love of their life
To some far away land to chase after their dreams, or maybe chase after themselves..
Everybody is gone...
And I have no complaints...
I have everything to myself, the house, the cars, the remote, myself, my friends, my schedule..
there is nobody to be worried for, there is nobody to argue with, there is nobody to...
It's only me and myself..
I sat down and cut the Costco card into pieces... Now it's trader Joe's, whole foods, Iranian grocery stores, and the vegetable garden..
they are all gone, he is gone...
It's me and my world..
Nothing too complicated, nothing to be worried about..
I am fine, for those of u who got worried and ask , I am really fine
Normal, sometimes happy, sometimes moody,sometimes worried, and sometimes just nothing
Chinese food was delicious today, I cooked yesterday I know to my own amazement it was pretty good!!!
I will go hiking tomorrow and mow lawns one of these days
the car is due for smog check
I will pay credit card bills pretty soon
tomorrow I will be in flea market, will burn 30$ ...
I am still waiting to hear back from schools...
I may move out of state by fall, or may not..
if not I get to meet my highschool buddy in September
I have two books to read and tons of movies to watch..
I have yet to go to my aunt's and have dinner...
I have decided that I will not call my other uncle anymore... once a year is enough, it's ok you cant have a great relationship with everybody who shares a last name with you.. People are who they are
Instead I call my sister more...
It's ok I don't have to Love Eagles anymore it was just a phase..
I don't have to read "Tazkaratol Olia"
anymore, it's hard to read and kinda racist..
It's ok people can make mistakes, including me...
I may never make it...
I may end up a homeless on the streets of S.F
Or maybe L.A
or maybe oh not Seattle it rains a lot there
I may even not write half assed plays anymore..
I may NOT
It's ok.. I have me to myself
I am content
I like it here...

2006-05-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

Mish leather sandals: A few thousand tomans.
Sunbathing on a Vegas Saturday afternoon in Paris: A few hundred bucks.
Watching a full featured 7 minute doggy style in 5th story window together with the other 400 people in the pool area: priceless.

2006-05-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

you know you have a persian ceo when you find this memo in your mailbox first thing on a tuesday morning:

To All,

as some of you may know the world cup soccer games will be held in germany starting June 9th. please view the attachment for a complete schedule of the matches and note that I will not be available during the marked time slots. also, please do not schedule any meetings during the blocked hours as we'll be screening the games on the flat screen in the board room. you are more than welcome to watch the games with us. all times are pst.

Regards,
AD.

2006-05-22T11:50:00.000-07:00

Nobody's at home...
the Lawn is begging me to be mowed...
Vaccume cleaner is winking
Bathroom is thinking maybe if I have a guest over he/she will get the much needed cleaning
The empty fridge...
Unmade beds...
a suspicious smell...
Nobdy is at home...
Sometimes it is good to have a mother or a father for that mater around..
They will love u even if u cry for them...
they will pretend that it will all be ok...
there will be some food, and some noise in the house
When did we all grew up??
What happened? we were fighting over the ice cream the other day all four of us...
Nothing is the same...
The baby sister is now the emotional center, she now gives us all spiritual advice and healthy food recepie...
She used to crawl, she couldnt talk,,,
Everybody at the doctor's office knows me by now..
they tell me it's not a big a deal, I will feel better soon...
they are nice..
that's what they should be NICE
because paitents are sick..
a healthcare professional learns to control his/her rage
they only get angry to make u aware..
or that was what dad did...
"Ur kidneys, Ur kidneys.." he made me cry
" I am making u cry so u know how important ur health is..." he said

It was raining yesterday, it's not good for the vegtable garden...
I have a lump in my throat..
I want a mom or a dad...
I only can cry for them...
Not my brother, not my sisters, not him, not my friends, not even the ducks in the duck pound...
I hate empty homes...
I hate them passionatley...
Nobody should live alone..
it's a crime..